Recently my Pastor preached a sermon that hit home. It spoke to my heart and put the task of soul-winning into a new light. He talked about Michal and Hannah and about their states of childlessness. I'm not going to go into as great a detail as he did but I would like to share a little bit of what the Lord showed me that night.
In reference to Hannah, if you know the story then you know that she was barren (couldn't have any children) and that that was causing her great pain in her life (I Samuel 1). I wrote recently about how much I desire a child of my own womb to hold in my arms. How sometimes the pain from my empty arms feels like more than I can bare. I sometimes feel as if I almost know what Hannah felt like. It is that desire of my heart that made this sermon hit home. As deeply and passionatly I desire a child of my own, I ought to feel the SAME WAY when it comes to bearing "Spiritual" children. (From many differant passages in the Bible we can gather that "Spiritual" children are the ones that we have personally led to Christ through Salvation. "For though ye have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet have ye not many fathers: for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel." (I Corinthians 4:15) "Unto Timothy, my own son in the faith..." ( I Timothy 1:2a) ). Does my Spirit crave "Spritual" children the way my body craves "natural" children? Do I daydream about it? Spend time preparing for it? Seek it? At the same time as my heart is crying out "Where are my children?" so ought my Spirit to be crying out, "Where are my children?"!!! As Rachel cried to Jacob "Give me children, or else I die." so ought I to cry out to God for "...more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD." (Isaiah 54:1b). I want, when I get to Heaven, my Spiritual arms to be full of children to present before the Lord! Yes, I still desire to bare children but now I'm trying to learn how to direct that same desire into my Spiritual life and my "job" of leading lost souls to Christ.
With Prayers and Tears,
Sarah
"He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD." (Psalm 113:9)
I am 24 years old. This body of mine has never known the life of a child. This heart of mine has never known the love of a man. And sometimes that is hard.
Growing up all I ever wanted was to marry, have a home of my own, with a husband and as many children as God would give me. Into my teen years I decided that surely I would be engaged by 20, if not married. As you can see, it didn't work out like that. Though I soon realized that age is not the only factor. I don't believe that I was ready at 20. In fact, it's only in the last couple of years that I've truly felt that I was "ready" if the Lord so chose to send him along. Years ago I came across the verse "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully." (I Timothy 5:14) and claimed it as my own. See! God wants me to get married!!! But, then as I grew older and, not only did no one come along, but I was tempted to give my heart to other guys, I came across some other verses. Verses like "For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him." (Isaiah 64:4) , "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." (Psalms 27:14) , "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him." (Psalms 62:5) , "And so, after he had patiently endured (waited), he obtained the promise." (Hebrews 6:15) , and "And Jacob served (waited, right?) seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her." (Genesis 29:20). All verse that not only reminded me to wait, but what I am waiting for and who I am waiting on. I am waiting on an excellent God who has a more beautiful plan for me than I could imagine. And I am waiting for someone who is waiting for me. Who, while I am praying for him and loving him, is cultivating his love for me. And I am not willing to give that up. Even though sometimes it gets hard. Even though sometimes it drives me to tears. I am a "normal" girl who wants what any "normal" girl wants. To feel my child grow withing me and then to hold him in my arms. Yes, to even know the love of a man. And sometimes those desires seem to overwhelm me.
To be honest, this blog has been hard for me to write. To have to delve into the deepest part of my heart and face a desire that I don't always have to face. But I wanted to do it. For you. For each of you who go through "testing" periods like I am now. Maybe you aren't today, but maybe you will next week or next month. To let you know that you are not alone. That, believe it or not, there are other girls out there waiting. And that you have God on your side to walk with you. Now, as you are single, and forever.
I am not alone just because I don't have a man beside me, because I have the Lord always with me. And I am learning to focus my love on Him. "...and as the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride, so shall thy God rejoice over thee." (ME!) (Isaiah 62:5b) "And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD." (Hosea 2:19-20)
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...a time to embrace...A time to love..." (Ecclisiastes 3:1,5b,8a) My time will come. Someday...His day.
But until that day...go now and share your whole heart with God. Pour it out before Him. Weep a little. Say a little pray for your beloved, as I am sure he has his struggles too. And then choose yet again to wait on Him.
"As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all." (Ecclisiastes 11:5) "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." (James 1:17)
So I choose yet again to wait. To weep. To pray for my beloved. To love Him.
With Prayers,
Sarah
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